What comes next
by cutiesonthehorizon
Summary: Post-ep for Saviors. Tony's thoughts on the plane during the flight home.


**A/N: This is a short post-ep or missing scene for the episode S13E18 Saviors. I've always had a soft spot for Tony and Jeanne. Hope you enjoy.**

 **What comes next**

The flight back to Washington seemed to be endless. While McGee stopped bugging him about speaking to Jeanne, after all her husband was sitting right next to her and that would probably make all talk awkward, Tony couldn't relax. The adrenalin coursing through his blood after the shooting and their last minute rescue was long gone, leaving only the jittery feeling of nervousness and weariness, yet he still couldn't sleep. His mind was too occupied to rest, even as he pretended sleep, although Jeanne didn't seem to be fooled and noticed the clenched jaw and tense neck. As she always did. Before, he thought that a good talk would sort his feelings out, help him push back all the old pain. It wasn't enough, though. He still felt her kiss on his forehead, somehow absolving him of all the "wrongdoing", yet he didn't feel any easier. Because he knew that his feelings for her were true all the time, that none of it was a game. He didn't feel guilty for lying about his love for her, not during the op. No, what he was feeling right now was anger - at Jenny Sheppard, but mostly at himself, because it was hard to be angry with a woman that was already dead.

No, Tony somehow should've known better. And he shouldn't have fallen in love, there was that, although it wasn't something he could control, not really. Love just came, and for Tony it didn't come often enough to be able to refuse it. What he was really pissed about were the lies he told Jeanne _after_ everything become clear. That one lie, when she looked him in the eye and asked if any of that was real, if any of his feelings were true. And he opened his mouth and said the biggest lie of his life.

"No."

Thus ended all his chances of Jeanne becoming part of his life. The chance of being with someone, with whom he didn't have to pretend, didn't have to play games. Which was funny in and on itself, as their entire relationship was based on a lie… but in some twisted ways, Tony was more himself than ever. And that should have told him something about the way he was currently running his life, too. Why was he capable of being himself with a woman he barely knew, but was incapable of showing his real self, when dealing with his coworkers, his team? Was their opinion of him more important to him? Or less? Tony didn't know. But he felt that it might be high time to re-evaluate his life choices, especially the ones regarding his career. Maybe it was time to stop trying to impress a man that couldn't be impressed, to stop playing the clown just to get a reaction out of people, just to get noticed "and not being forgotten in some godforsaken 5 star hotel at Hawaii, right, Tony?" His sub consciousness supplied.

The plane lurched as a small turbulence hit it, and Tony opened his eyes, instinctively looking towards Jeanne. Who was sleeping with her head leaned up against her husband, their hands intertwined, ignoring the world around them.

Tony blinked back the sudden burning feeling in his eyes. It was just dust. But maybe… maybe if he wanted _that_ , he needed to change. Maybe he should stop craving someone else's approval and start thinking about his own future, or he could very well end up alone, building boats in his non-existing basement. While once it would've meant being like Gibbs, the thought making him proud, now it was more of a threat. Tony needed something more, something better. He needed a family he could call his own, he needed someone that would be there for him, come hell or high water. While Gibbs and the team fit that department rather well – Tony couldn't imagine that they would leave him hanging out to dry when he was in danger – they didn't always come up as supporting as he would have needed. Tony had to admit to himself, that was probably his own fault. If he acted like a clown most of the time, it was no wonder the team kept laughing at him, even in situations when he needed a hug instead of a slap on the head. But that should change.

The plane hit another turbulence, and this time Jeanne awoke with a start. Her first instinct was to look at her husband, to check if he was okay. Seeing him snoring lightly, she sat up a little straighter, feeling her back kink up, and looked over at Joni, who was also sleeping. Jeanne's eyes drifted around the inside of the plane, until; at last, they landed on Tony, who was still watching her. Their eyes connected and Tony could see all the feelings she had for him still there but pushed to the background by the love for her husband. Her eyes were deep and searching, looking for something, an explanation maybe and this time it was Tony who broke the contact. There was nothing to be done, the past couldn't be changed. But there were things he could do for his future, and Tony closed his eyes, leaning back and pretending to sleep. He still had several hours of the flight to think about what comes next.

 **The End**


End file.
